Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
