I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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