You can't special order awesome
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
