i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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