Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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