I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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