Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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