I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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