this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God gave him joint rollers for hands
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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