I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
