remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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