a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
