If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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