Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
