My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
