In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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