I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
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She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
40s are totally the cure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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