party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i think i have two assholes
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
a search helicopter?!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
