my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
