She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
