Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
