i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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