So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
