i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.