I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
