I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.