Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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