cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
