as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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