Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
