he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
