Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
