Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
