I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
