fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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