Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
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You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
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Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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