i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
