who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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