i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
