i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
