I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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