i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Screwed.edu
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
