A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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