Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
