If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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