I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
