So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My penis needs a shock collar
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
