I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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