nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
