I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
