i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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