i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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