I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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