i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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