i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
