I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
