i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
