im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
