Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
