glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
