I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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